Wednesday, May 04, 2005



Ah, Gwennyth. You're just what we needed after that nasty burger.

Some amazing and lanky and wonderful in so many ways. And older than me, which makes me hopeful.

toodles.

kittyb

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Meet the 15 Pounder


Ta-da. Posted by Hello


Wow. I'm so grossed out right now. Posted by Hello

No Housewife in Housewife

So I'm back, but there was very little housewife in yesterday's housewife, so today I introduce you to the 15-pound burger and all of the reasons why it's wrong.

From USA Today today:

Dubbed the Beer Barrel Belly Buster, the burger comes with 10.5 pounds of ground beef, 25 slices of cheese, a head of lettuce, three tomatoes, two onions, a cup-and-a-half each of mayonnaise, relish, ketchup, mustard and banana peppers — and a bun. It Costs $30.

Honestly, why bother with the bun? It's so high in carbs and white bread is so not good for you.

Also, 4.5 pounds of condiments could feed a tribe in Africa for 7 years.

This burger comes from a place called Denny's in Pa., and is the new version of what was a 6 pound burger with 5 pounds of toppings. I'm guessing, but I think Denny's was probably offering a free meal and t-shirts left and right to the lard ass who could eat the entire thing in a 3-hour sitting and laughing their butts off at the morons who paid $23 for the thing, but had heart failure trying. Things were going along swimmingly.

Then two very bad things happened.

A 100-pound college student somewhere in the midwest ate an entire one in three hours, and soon after a diner across the way introduced a 12.5 pounder called Zeus.

All hell broke loose, and the 15-pounder was born.

So let's presume, for a second, that Denny's means for a family four to order the burger to share. Does it come out on one plate and everyone dives in like with nachos? Do the condiments come on it? Does it get sliced like a pizza? Does it come with a fork or a spoon? Or both? Does the $30 include fries (or substitute a side salad), or is that extra? Won't I also need, like... a gallon of Coke?

And, again, just for a second, let's think of all the things that weigh 15 pounds.

Newborn twins.
A very healthy Pug dog.
A Pug dog and one newborn twin.
A Mini Lacrosse Folding Goal made of galvanized steel tubing.
The average steering wheel.

Denny's manager to waitstaff: "Now look folks. We got to get people in this door, and I really believe a 10.5 pound hamburger and 4.5 pounds of toppings will do the trick. We debated the 10 pound burger and 5 pounds of toppings, or the 11 pound burger with 4 pounds of toppings, but, well frankly, 11 seemed too much and 10 seemed to little."

Right now, as I type this, Denny's Owner Vern McMahhammon is crunching the numbers on the Beer Barrell Belly Buster. $30 times 1,000,000 sold, minus $5,000,000 in law suits and $7,000,000 in condiments is ...

Dang. Not even near enough profit to make it right.

Monday, May 02, 2005

It's a slow work day


What? Posted by Hello

What is up with the freaky hand placement? I mean honestly, who does that? Why is his hand on his sternum? Or is that his liver? Does he have a tumor? I don't even know what part of the body is there and why it might even be important enough to put one hand there, much less two.

"Sweetheart, put your hand right here. Feel that? Do you? That's... heartburn."

Wait, I know. Tom's pregnant!

What Hollywood couple goes to such lengths to be photographed in public? Name one. While you rack your brain, I'm moving on to...

His smile -- I was laughing like that this weekend, only it was because I was telling the funniest joke in the world and just couldn't get through it. Tom knows what that's like, cause his 'girlfriend' and the photos and the press -- well, it's the most hilarious joke ever.

He must have to grin like that. He must have to to keep from crying himself into a pool of tears. (he is gay, afterall.)

Arguh.

Ok. So.

Sorry.

It's been a while. But I'm back and with photos, so let's forget the catching up and get right to it.



What in the world is going on here? Posted by Hello

People, look. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are not dating. They aren't a couple. I doubt they're even friends.

That's because -- yoohoo -- Tom Cruise is gay. And this... well, this is a quintessential Hollywood deal. He's gay and hiding it and she's in desperate need of a career spike before she becomes a has been.

Frankly, I commend Katie's PR people. They've done their homework. Tom's quite gifted in rising women to stardom. Think back. What was Nicole Kidman before Days of Thunder, for which Tom picked her? And Penelope Cruz before "Vanilla Sky?" Well, let's say this: They were huge in Australia/Spain.

Tom's folks are no dummies, either. Get a young gal, a really young gal. The youngest legal gal possible. It'll make a better, jucier story.

And so while we're talking about it, let's just be honest.

(1) No, there's nothing wrong with being gay. Gay is great.

(2) No, most certainly no, Tom Cruise will never just come out of the closet because no one's going to believe that a gay guy can save the world and there is absolutely no audience for a gay dude version of "Ellen." Would you cast Jack McFarlin as a fast-livin' hard lovin' race car driver/fighter pilot/bar tender? Yeah, me either.

In case you're blind, these are the clues:

1. Only a gay man would hold a woman's arm AND hand like that when getting out of a car. It's either one or the other or neither for straight men. But never both.

2. She's snickering like she can barely hold back how freakin' funny it is that she's in on Tom's joke on the entire world.

3. Look at Katie before. Dark. Mysterious. She's a bit less inhibited now and quite a bit more whymiscal. He's obviously giving her fashion advice, as any good gay-guy friend would. In fact, I bet she negotiated that as part of her deal for being seen with him. (It's true, he would have been wise to suggest an actual color for that dress, but there was a reason for that, too. See #4)

4. Now focus. A pictures worth a thousand words. He's wearing black, she's wearing a very light color... he fades into the blackground, she stands out against him. And that grip... he's leading her, almost falling behind her. This is not about Tom and Katie. This photo's all about her making an entrance that takes her beyond 'that girl on Dawson's Creek.' He's holding up his end of the bargain to get her noticed, and is doing a damn fine job. But then again, he's had years of practice.

5. Also, what's with his smile? It's totally scaring me.

I wouldn't have spent so much time on this, except it's important for you all to embrace the truth. Take it and free yourself from the lies.

Namaste