yo, miss suzie, i got a question

someone tell me what the purpose of an 18 hour bra is. please.

they've been lurking in my subconscious all my life. in childhood, they raised curiosity (um, fear) in the jumprope song "miss suzie." come on, you remember.

.... i know i know my ma, i know i know my pa, i know i know my sister in the 18 hour, 18 hour, 18 hour bra bra bra.

not yet in a bra, i figured it was something i'd learn about later. much later. maybe never. secretely i hoped never.

but they're back and this time advertised on tv. these days the 18-hour bra sports a makeover. with pointy sateen cups made of comfort-fit styrafoam rather than paper mache and now - oh our dreams have finally come true -- the 10 ironclad fasteners that used to be in the back are now in the front!

it's a straight jacket just for your breasts. and you're supposed to wear it for 18 hours.

lets assume it's totally normal for anything to be worn for 18 hours straight. that leaves 6 full hours away from the boob girdle. i'm guessing that's when you're supposed to sleep. oh sure some women are crazy and snooze a bit longer. but why do that when you know there's a polyester chest harness anxious to strangle you?

put that bad boy on the moment you rise and don't look back.

always hated the way your breasts flop around in the shower all naked and exposed, hogging the water and demanding more soap? no longer a problem with the 18-hour bra!

find the feeling of a soft towel against clean, bare skin terrifying and uncomfortable? calm your fears with the 18-hour bra!

at least the circle goes unbroken. the commerical i saw came on during american idol, a show young girls seem to love. i've got news for you paula abdul -- america's female youth isn't drifting off to sleep dreaming of being katharine mcphee and someday singing "somewhere over the rainbow" like an angel on national tv.

no friends. they're lying awake in a cold sweat praying away the large boobs they once wished for and hoping to god they never have to know what an 18-hour bra is or why it exists.

trust me.