So I'm back, but there was very little housewife in yesterday's housewife, so today I introduce you to the 15-pound burger and all of the reasons why it's wrong.
From USA Today today:
Dubbed the Beer Barrel Belly Buster, the burger comes with 10.5 pounds of ground beef, 25 slices of cheese, a head of lettuce, three tomatoes, two onions, a cup-and-a-half each of mayonnaise, relish, ketchup, mustard and banana peppers — and a bun. It Costs $30.
Honestly, why bother with the bun? It's so high in carbs and white bread is so not good for you.
Also, 4.5 pounds of condiments could feed a tribe in Africa for 7 years.
This burger comes from a place called Denny's in Pa., and is the new version of what was a 6 pound burger with 5 pounds of toppings. I'm guessing, but I think Denny's was probably offering a free meal and t-shirts left and right to the lard ass who could eat the entire thing in a 3-hour sitting and laughing their butts off at the morons who paid $23 for the thing, but had heart failure trying. Things were going along swimmingly.
Then two very bad things happened.
A 100-pound college student somewhere in the midwest ate an entire one in three hours, and soon after a diner across the way introduced a 12.5 pounder called Zeus.
All hell broke loose, and the 15-pounder was born.
So let's presume, for a second, that Denny's means for a family four to order the burger to share. Does it come out on one plate and everyone dives in like with nachos? Do the condiments come on it? Does it get sliced like a pizza? Does it come with a fork or a spoon? Or both? Does the $30 include fries (or substitute a side salad), or is that extra? Won't I also need, like... a gallon of Coke?
And, again, just for a second, let's think of all the things that weigh 15 pounds.
A very healthy Pug dog.
A Pug dog and one newborn twin.
A Mini Lacrosse Folding Goal made of galvanized steel tubing.
The average steering wheel.
Denny's manager to waitstaff: "Now look folks. We got to get people in this door, and I really believe a 10.5 pound hamburger and 4.5 pounds of toppings will do the trick. We debated the 10 pound burger and 5 pounds of toppings, or the 11 pound burger with 4 pounds of toppings, but, well frankly, 11 seemed too much and 10 seemed to little."
Right now, as I type this, Denny's Owner Vern McMahhammon is crunching the numbers on the Beer Barrell Belly Buster. $30 times 1,000,000 sold, minus $5,000,000 in law suits and $7,000,000 in condiments is ...
Dang. Not even near enough profit to make it right.