Tongue tied

OK, so I commend Yoplait on its ten-year effort to fight breast cancer.

And it rocks that it and its parent company General Mills have already given $14 million for breast cancer research.

And Yoplait yogurt is really yummy, especially the smooth and creamy orange Julius flavor they came out with last year. For that, I forgive them for cashing in on consumer sympathy and in effect capitalizing on a disease with the "Save a Lid Save a Life" campaign (As if. We get it already, you want us to buy yogurt).

However, I have to draw the line on props with its latest spin on that campaign. "Lick a Lid, Save a Life. Together we can lick breast cancer."

Esshs. It hurts me. They went from"Vive la Yoplait" to licking breasts?

Together we can lick breast cancer. Together... we can lick breast cancer. Together we can lick breast cancer. (it just doesn't work, does it?) Someone should have read that outloud. If they had, they surely wouldn't have made the TV ad.

They did make a TV ad, though. They made an ad that features women wantonly French kissing Yoplait's signature pink aluminum yogurt lids and then tucking them into envelopes .... which they also lick.

Obvioulsy they've tapped out the 22-45 American woman money pool and are now focusing on the male 21-55 demographic.

This beats a t-shirt I saw in a South Carolina Piggly Wiggly a few years ago that said, "We support healthy breasts." (why didn't I buy that shirt?)

Offensiveness aside, I wondered if my licking and stuffing would really pay off, so I did the numbers.

For every pink lid mailed Yoplait will donate 10 cents to raise money to battle breast cancer. I would have to eat (or at least open and lick the lid of) three cups of yogurt every day for four months — or 360 containers — to raise the rather paltry sum of $36.

On average, each low-fat cup contains about 80 calories and costs about 80 cents. Multiply by three, that's 240 calories and $2.40 a day. Add it up and you get $288 spent on yogurt and 28,000 calories consumed.

Yeaaahhh, no thanks. We're ya hopin' we wouldn't add that up?

I have my own fight-breast-cancer plan. I call it Kitty Bouldin's "Keep your damn tongue to your own damn self" fight breast cancer campaign. KBKYDTTYODSFBCC for short.

I buy a self-adhesive stamp and put it on a self -adhesive envelope. I stuff the envelope with my $280 check (I do love Yoplait and may need that $8 bucks to buy some custard-style over the next couple of months) made out to the National Breast Cancer Foundation and put their address on the front. I seal it, mail it and later at tax time, count it as a charitable contribution.

No licking necessary. Vive la difference?